LeVar Burton is God

2009-09-01T08:23:00.005-07:00

LeVar Burton is the mother, father and half-brother of invention.

2009-09-01T08:23:00.003-07:00

The Justice League of America was a knitting club, until LeVar Burton suggested to them that it might be more interesting to fight crime.

2009-09-01T08:23:00.001-07:00

Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” was inspired by the butterfly from Reading Rainbow.

2009-09-01T08:22:00.004-07:00

Every dog has its day. But LeVar Burton’s dog can talk.

2009-09-01T08:22:00.003-07:00

The novels Robinson Crusoe, Don Quixote, David Copperfield, Huckleberry Finn, Anna Karenina and Beowulf were all originally named “Levar Burton”, but had to be changed because of copyright issues.

2009-09-01T08:22:00.001-07:00

The earth really did used to be flat, but LeVar Burton decided that spheres were more efficient.

2009-09-01T08:21:00.004-07:00

Zorro was illiterate until LeVar Burton mentioned that it might be cool if he used a sword to carve his initials into stuff.

2009-09-01T08:21:00.003-07:00

The pyramids were built because LeVar Burton once made an Egyptian kid read a book about the Pythagorean Theorem.

2009-09-01T08:21:00.001-07:00

When life gives LeVar Burton lemons, he makes wisdom.

2009-08-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

According to Newtonian physics, an object at rest, remains at rest. According to Burtonian physics, a LeVar at rest remains handsome.

2009-08-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Due to an obscure 1924 publishing and anti-trust law created out of the 1907 stock-market crash panic, the title of the elements of style book LeVar & Burton was changed to Strunk & White.

2009-08-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

2009-08-30T18:50:00.001-07:00

The One Ring is actually made out of LeVar Burton’s foreskin.

2009-08-30T18:49:00.003-07:00

Levar Burton eats worms like you for breakfast. But afterwards he regurgitates them to feed the needy.

2009-08-30T18:49:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton can recite Pi backwards and then bake you one, in 3.14 seconds.

2009-08-30T18:48:00.003-07:00

Every imaginary friend is actually LeVar Burton, wearing an invisibility cloak.

2009-08-30T18:48:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton counts his chickens before they’re hatched. Then he doubles them.

2009-08-30T10:59:00.001-07:00

2009-08-30T10:23:00.005-07:00

LeVar Burton CAN tell a book by its cover. With his eyes shut.

2009-08-30T10:23:00.003-07:00

LeVar Burton can boil a watched pot with the power of compassion.

2009-08-30T10:23:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton doesn’t look before he leaps. But he looks before YOU do.

2009-08-30T10:22:00.001-07:00

Whenever a stitch in time saves nine, LeVar Burton saves ten and a half.

2009-08-30T10:21:00.002-07:00

A penny saved is a penny that Levar Burton will use to buy a book for a poor kid.

2009-08-30T10:21:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton doesn’t fight fire with fire. He obviates incandescent conflagration with radiantly rapid oxidation.

2009-08-29T13:52:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton's first spoken word was antidisestablishmentarianism.

2009-08-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

A warning to women everywhere, do not make eye contact with LeVar Burton while ovulating, his seed is too strong and will turn to pure energy in utero.

2009-08-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton is Chuck Norris' Chuck Norris.

2009-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

Between general relativity and quantum mechanics lies Burtonian Physics.

2009-08-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton's multi-faceted talents are the reason nuclear fusion is in electron flux at the core of the sun, his Reading Rainbow of Love is responsible for the magentohydrodynamic waves heating the solar corona, and the photosphere is the gentle way he presents his energy to us on Earth. Thus solving the solar neutrino problem.

2009-08-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton had to wear a special energy-damping-visor in Star Trek because the emotion he can convey without it would rip apart the very soul of other cast members.

2009-08-29T00:56:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton is related to everyone in the House of Representatives. Everyone in the Senate wants to be in the House.

2009-08-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton has moved on to the Rubix dodecahedron.

2009-08-29T00:45:00.000-07:00

Asking Levar if "everything sounds o.k." was the last step in making all Beatles Albums. (+ Levar was the walrus)

2009-08-29T00:43:00.000-07:00

When Yoda said "...there is another." He meant Levar Burton.

2009-08-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton's copy of Window's Vista works perfectly.

2009-08-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

The Blue Man group is mostly Levar Burton.

2009-08-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

All of Monty Python (not just Graham Chapman) wanted to date Levar Burton.

2009-08-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

James Lipton is only teaching Inside the Actor's Studio while LeVar Burton takes an extended sabbatical.

2009-08-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton told Leibniz and Newton about calculus at the same time, just for fun.

2009-08-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

The last time LeVar Burton winked at a woman she orgasmed herself into a coma.

2009-08-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

The dark matter physicists are looking for is merely the essence of LeVar Burton.

2009-08-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Black holes are actually just places where LeVar Burton has punched space.

2009-08-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton had a plan to reform health care, but he didn't want to upstage Obama.

2009-08-28T18:58:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton did your mom way before your dad did.

2009-08-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton gave Mona Lisa her smile.

2009-08-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton gave James Cameron a complete disc of the film Avatar at the Beverly Hills Hilton over lunch. It's taken Cameron four years to decode it.

2009-08-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

The end goal of Scientology is to become more LeVar Burton-like.

2009-08-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

As per the Prime Directive, LeVar Burton has promised not to make contact with any civilizations who have yet to discover warp-drive technology.

2009-08-28T16:35:00.001-07:00

Once, LeVar Burton took the form of a human being. Most people referred to him during that period as Jesus.

2009-08-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton invented the submarine, so he could teach fish to read.

2009-08-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

Like light, LeVar Burton is both a particle and a wave.

2009-08-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

God prays to LeVar Burton.

2009-08-28T16:27:00.001-07:00

The Geordi La Forge action figure came with the following accessories: Phaser, Official Fleet badge, and eternal life.

2009-08-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

The only reason WWII happened was because LeVar Burton was busy teaching the Silver Surfer how to defeat Galactus.

2009-08-28T16:25:00.001-07:00

We could go twice as high. Levar Burton could go three times as high.

2009-08-28T16:12:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton stopped the Bret Ratner remake of The Godfather.

2009-08-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Every time a child learns to read, LeVar senses it and yells "You just got Burtowned!"

2009-08-28T15:58:00.001-07:00

To be ready for the movie, the cast of 300 spent every day for six months "getting Levar'd"

2009-08-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Leia's message was originally "Help me Levar Burton, your my only hope..." but he saved Alderaan, destroyed the Death Star and got the girl in only 7.5 minutes. Lucas was forced to rewrite.

2009-08-28T15:46:00.001-07:00

Tim Burton has spent years claiming he is related to Levar.

2009-08-28T15:43:00.001-07:00

Brent Spiner is actually an android, built by Levar Burton.

2009-08-28T15:39:00.001-07:00

There have been numerous books written about the life of LeVar Burton, including "Dune" and "Sense and Sensibility".

2009-08-28T15:36:00.001-07:00

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad LeVar Burton is too nice to make him cry.

2009-08-28T15:32:00.001-07:00

Chuck Norris can only do a roundhouse kick when Levar Burton reads about it.

2009-08-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Eddie Van Halen wrote "Eruption" after listening to a story about Levar Burton's first day in the second grade.

2009-08-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

To summon LeVar Burton simply stand in front of a mirror and sing the Reading Rainbow theme song three times in a row. LeVar Burton will then appear and cancel any outstanding debts you might have. Credit cards, student loans, whatever. But if you have any overdue library books, LeVar Burton will cut off a finger.

2009-08-28T15:20:00.001-07:00

LeVar Burton actually blinded himself so that he could better prepare for his role in Next Generation. He then invented the the artificial vision visor that he wore in the show. When TNG went off the air, he regrew his eyes.

2009-08-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

LeVar Burton pointed to Jonathan Frakes, said "Beard!" and the rest is history.

2009-08-28T15:15:00.003-07:00

Butterflies could only crawl, before Reading Rainbow taught them how to fly.

2009-08-28T15:15:00.002-07:00

"LeVar Burton" is an anagram for "LeVar Burton fucking rules and don't you forget it".

2009-08-28T15:15:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton impregnated the Virgin Mary. With TIME SPERM.

2009-08-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton is the reason your broke-ass didn't need cable as a child.

2009-08-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton isn't allowed to play the Lottery because he would eventually have all the money.

2009-08-28T15:07:00.001-07:00

Kunta Kinte demanded people call him Levar Burton.

2009-08-28T15:04:00.001-07:00

It took six months to film the first episode of Roots because no one had the courage to treat Levar Burton in such a way. The slave-owners in the series are actually astral projections from Burton's mind.

2009-08-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

When Levar Burton became the Mayor of "DieofCancerYoungville" everyone moved there.

2009-08-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton didn't need the other Planeteer's rings to summon Captain Planet, he's just that nice of a guy.

2009-08-28T15:01:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton is the reason Patrick Stewart is bald.

2009-08-28T15:00:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton's character on Star Trek: The Next Generation was never blind. Burton was attempting to tell us about 2088's greatest fashion craze.

2009-08-28T14:58:00.002-07:00

Levar Burton can cure AIDS with cancer, but swore never to interfere, only observe.

2009-08-28T14:58:00.001-07:00

The Higgs Boson is actually comprised of an element called Levaburtonium.

2009-08-28T14:57:00.003-07:00

Levar Burton built a working Large Hadron Collider in his backyard one lazy Sunday afternoon.

2009-08-28T14:57:00.001-07:00

Don't worry about losing your virginity, Levar Burton already took it.

2009-08-28T14:56:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton gave Einstein the inspiration for the Theory of Relativity by telling him his hip-hop name: E=MC2

2009-08-28T14:55:00.002-07:00

Levar Burton created a perpetual motion machine based on the design of his own heart.

2009-08-28T14:55:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton knows the answer to 42, and he told it to Douglas Adams just before he died.

2009-08-28T14:54:00.004-07:00

Chuck D calls Levar Burton every day to find out what's going down.

2009-08-28T14:54:00.003-07:00

Levar Burton invented ultraviolet as a rainbow easter egg, to reward those who were paying attention.

2009-08-28T14:54:00.002-07:00

Levar Burton can read rainbows through spectro-analysis.

2009-08-28T14:54:00.001-07:00

Stephen Hawkin's voice program isn't really a program at all. Levar Burton taught a computer to read.

2009-08-28T14:52:00.001-07:00

Years ago Levar Burton told Bill Watterson that a tiger would work better than a chicken.

2009-08-28T14:49:00.004-07:00

if you "go into the light" you end up at Levar Burtons house.

2009-08-28T14:49:00.003-07:00

Levar Burton said "you don't have to take his word for it." But if you don't all your money ends up on fire and you get jury duty every day for a year.

2009-08-28T14:49:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton can make 1 + 1 = 3.

2009-08-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton has already solved your problem... he's just waiting for you to be ready for the answer.

2009-08-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton invented Stephen Hawking.

2009-08-28T14:45:00.002-07:00

The Higgs Boson is actually comprised of an element called Levaburtonium.
He's just waiting to be found.

2009-08-28T14:45:00.001-07:00

Levar Burton doesn't play chess... he has already beaten everyone in the world by 13 moves and just doesn't want to bother.

2009-08-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Levar Burton was required to wear the visor on the set of Next Generation, because the character of Geordi La Forge was too similar to his real life self--an already accomplished starship engineer.

We Canonize LeVar Burton

2009-08-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

Why you ask?

Because Reading FUCKING Rainbow - that's why! And also, Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Max had a great idea to start giving the man his due credit in the vein of Chuck Norris.

Enjoy.

-Aaron